One thing is falling and getting back up with your friends by your side. Another thing is to fall, fall with your friends and slowly getting up and growing apart. What hurts the most is being the reason of all things falling apart, and seeing everything around you fall, fall into the infinite abyss.

     Its absurd to think that after being the reason you’d be remembered for the good memories, the smiles and the times under the big tree. Its absurd I know, but I always thought of a possibility that maybe one day together we’d fix all the pieces. I always knew things would never be the same but perhaps if we worked together, perhaps if we saw each other and how much we’ve grown and changed we’d work things out.
    It was just a thought, it was what I wanted, but I was left wanting it all. I failed my friends, I failed myself and for what? For emptiness?  I left the circle thinking things for those in it would be best, I was soon forgotten and soon thereafter things started to fall apart inside. We deceived one another, with false promises and hopes, the funny thing is we knew it was all a joke but we somehow decided to make it our reality. We fell together, we fell hard. With one I broke all ties for the best, something I don’t regret. With the other one things just happened.

     Little did know what happened while I was gone, its all clear now I was always meant to be on the outside I was never meant to go in there to begin with, they were but not me. Maybe it is karma, it gets you when you least expect it, or maybe it was just one of those things that needed to happen for me to understand questions that I‘ve asked for so long. I made mistakes, I fell for what was never mine to begin with and I made two people grow apart but just going away from one. We fell together and we’ve been getting up on our own and moving farther away with time.

       I learned that what I wanted, is not something that I should want because truthfully and most painfully it will never be mine. I’ve gone from first person to some person in the background to them, I am non existent and it hurts so much because I’ve waited so long to  help you understand, to show you that fear is not the path to take. Maybe I’m too late, or rather I was never there and Ill never be there now.

     People wont always understand what you feel, and its better  not to expect them too. Sometimes we hide our feelings to protect what we have from the outside world. Sometimes those feelings are so pure and genuine that when you take a look at the real world and see how it really works you’re afraid that you’ll end up like the rest. So you tuck away what you have and hide it from the rest, its precious after all. What you never know is that hiding it is worse than showing it out to the world, when you hide it its too much to bear, its painful inside. At least when you show it you can share it with the rest.

     I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, its been hurting for too long but its something you could care less about. Because you only miss one, and that someone is not me. Perhaps ill live in silence the rest of the way, and hopefully what I have inside will one day escape, the malice of the world will never get to it because it was always pure and genuine. Its extremely difficult to understand things you wish you never knew about and although sometimes it hurts so much I’m glad I knew what it was than to be skeptical and think its something that does not exist.

“Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.”

Smile, because life goes on.

-Casper

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