I haven’t written anything in sometime, I’ll be honest with you I’ve had the time, the topics the pen and paper in front of me but for one or more reasons I pushed it aside. I’ve had a lot on my mind too, way too much to the point where I can’t sleep from all the thoughts in my head. The thing that has been bothering me the most is the possible return of my dad.
Yes, this is a bit of a personal post. My father left us a little over ten years ago and before that my mother had left him. My mother raised my siblings and I mostly on her own, dad was away for work most of the time when he was with us anyway and my mom had to deal with everything. When he left ten or so years ago he left during one of the worst times of my life, my mother was just recovering and my family was in a bit of a mess. It has taken me ten years to comprehend why he left that night and why many things happen, I don’t blame him we’re human.
It was however during those ten years that I didn’t understand anything, my hormones were starting to kick in and I was entering the “teen-age” phase. You’d think that no father around would probably lead me to turn into another reckless teenager, instead it turned me into the adult I am today. I spent many days crying alone hoping he would come back but he didn’t. I always had the hope that perhaps he’d return to see me graduate from high school but he didn’t show up. No calls on birthdays only broken promises.
I got to the point where I was sent to a psychologist who determined I had trust issues and relationship issues attributed to my father leaving me. Maybe that’s when I started to dislike Psychology… anyhow I admit I have issues, but who doesn’t? I didn’t need a psychologist to learn to deal with my issues on my own. What has kept me up at night is wondering what life will be when (if) he comes back.
He isn’t the jerk I may write him to be here, rarely did he yell at me, he spoiled me and taught me valuable lessons that I haven’t forgotten. However I’ve changed, I haven’t seen him in years. I’m not sure how I’ll react when he comes in through the front door. Many times I wish he could have been here to help me out, advice me but he never was. I learned to deal with my problems alone and not be dependent on being told what was or wasn’t wrong.
I know I shouldn’t count my chickens before they’ve hatched. We’re human and we all make mistakes. Maybe I should stop worrying, it’s never too late to meet again.
Smile, don’t worry too much.