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A few days ago I attended a conference that changed my life around. The story to how I even got to attend that conference is funny. Now that I look back I see how little things happened here and there that led me to apply to it when I didn’t even know what it was going to be about. Long story short, it was one of the best things I ever did.
I learned a lot about myself that weekend, I guess it was one of those things that hit me. First, I learned that I had a lot of internal conflict going on, stuff that was mostly there out of denial and the like. I learned that I had a lot of internal feelings that I never expressed and they were slowly dying to come out. I learned that I needed to open up, that if I wanted my life to be better if I wanted to be a better person I had to change. I learned that it’s ok to be vulnerable, to open up, to cry. I hadn’t cried in a awhile, let alone in front of someone else. When I did cry I would cry alone, on my own time, my own space. I believed that being vulnerable was for the weak, feelings or talking about them was nonsense. Turns out I have problems going back to when I was a kid, everything made more sense.
Now, I’m not going to go off blaming my parents for whatever they did, for oppressing me as a child, or for treating me like a little kid. I’m not going to blame any failed relationships for my fears of relationships. I’m not going to blame the people that criticized me harshly for my reactions. Why? Because no matter what happened, all the choices were mine and mine alone. If I became a relationship-a-phobe, that was my decision. If I wanted to be robotic in nature and not express myself, that was my choice alone.
However, the choices I made I made for a reason. I don’t regret them, actually I’m thankful that I made them. Weather good or bad, I had my reasons. The outcome wasn’t necessarily great and at times it made me worse of a person and that’s OK. Its not how bad or low of a human we become but what we are willing to do to be better. Better yet, the action of doing something about it. I learned a lot that weekend, more than I ever thought I would learn in my lifetime. So weather it was destiny that sent me there or a mere accident I’m very thankful it happened because it’s helped me change my life around, BIG TIME. I think this will be reflected often in future posts, and don’t be surprised if I bring this weekend up again. Never had I been more thankful of knowing my flaws, of knowing my mistakes or the wrong choices I’ve made. I’m ready to continue my life long process of self growth and understanding. I’m taking my baby steps because I want to make a change and to do that I must first make changes in my life.
This is a life changing year for me.
Smile, change isn’t always a bad thing.