Life Changing Weekend

A few days ago I attended a conference that changed my life around. The story to how I even got to attend that conference is funny. Now that I look back I see how little things happened here and there that led me to apply to it when I didn’t even know what it was going to be about. Long story short, it was one of the best things I ever did.

I learned a lot about myself that weekend, I guess it was one of those things that hit me. First, I learned that I had a lot of internal conflict going on, stuff that was mostly there out of denial and the like. I learned that I had a lot of internal feelings that I never expressed and they were slowly dying to come out. I learned that I needed to open up, that if I wanted my life to be better if I wanted to be a better person I had to change. I learned that it’s ok to be vulnerable, to open up, to cry. I hadn’t cried in a awhile, let alone in front of someone else. When I did cry I would cry alone, on my own time, my own space. I believed that being vulnerable was for the weak, feelings or talking about them was nonsense. Turns out I have problems going back to when I was a kid, everything made more sense.

Now, I’m not going to go off blaming my parents for whatever they did, for oppressing me as a child, or for treating me like a little kid. I’m not going to blame any failed relationships for my fears of relationships. I’m not going to blame the people that criticized me harshly for my reactions. Why? Because no matter what happened, all the choices were mine and mine alone. If I became a relationship-a-phobe, that was my decision. If I wanted to be robotic in nature and not express myself, that was my choice alone.

However, the choices I made I made for a reason. I don’t regret them, actually I’m thankful that I made them. Weather good or bad, I had my reasons. The outcome wasn’t necessarily great and at times it made me worse of a person and that’s OK. Its not how bad or low of a human we become but what we are willing to do to be better. Better yet, the action of doing something about it. I learned a lot that weekend, more than I ever thought I would learn in my lifetime. So weather it was destiny that sent me there or a mere accident I’m very thankful it happened because it’s helped me change my life around, BIG TIME. I think this will be reflected often in future posts, and don’t be surprised if I bring this weekend up again. Never had I been more thankful of knowing my flaws, of knowing my mistakes or the wrong choices I’ve made. I’m ready to continue my life long process of self growth and understanding. I’m taking my baby steps because I want to make a change and to do that I must first make changes in my life.

This is a life changing year for me.

Smile, change isn’t always a bad thing.

Bad Week

This last week has been a very troublesome week for me. It has been a bit “blue” if you know what I mean. If you read yesterday’s post you’d understand a little more, as for what I remembered from my past, that I would rather leave where it belongs, in the past. I guess I had an overwhelming week, a lot has been going on in my life lately. I’m keeping on the positive side of things.

I’m human, I make mistakes, and of course I fall down every now and then. There are days when I want to be away from the world and there are days when I just can’t get enough of it all. Bad phases come to us all but it is not in how or what makes you fall but the mere fact that you decide to get back up again.

Hannah After The Storm by Shelly Svoboda

This week, when my life seemed to be a never ending proof of Murphy’s Law. Everything that could possible go wrong, went wrong. Amazing right? Yes. Between us I got to a very frustrated point. I got thinking over the last couple of nights of how perhaps I was looking at the whole situation in a wrong way. When I came to think of it, things could probably been worse, and I’m glad they weren’t. It’s Sunday now, I’m alive, I’m smiling and I made it through a bad week.

What did I learn? I learned so much these last couple of days. I learned that it is possible to keep my strength even when in the most challenging of times. I learned that brighter days come sooner or later. I learned that I had proof that patience is key to success. I learned that I am strong enough to end the worst of weeks with a smile on my face, and it is my strength that will keep me going no matter what.

Smile, find your inner strength and keep on going.

Mistakes

     There is a saying that goes something like this “You learn from your mistakes.” but the question is, do we really learn? Many a time I’ve seen people (myself included) commit the same mistake twice, or more. Why is it that although we know certain things are wrong we keep doing them? Surely we do things without realizing what it is that we are doing, but after repeating the same deed over and over again we must know something. 
     An easy example to discuss would be procrastination. How many of us have fallen into the sweet habbit that is called procrastination? I can raise both of my hands for this one. We’ve all been there doing that essay or project hours (if not minutes) before its due, paying bills, cleaning, calling aunt Marge to invite her to the party, buying the stuff for the party… and the list goes on and on. Although we know the many things that are wrong with this, we keep doing it. A few quarters back I told myself that I would stop being a procrastinator and get my act together, it would only last a week (max) and then I was back again to the same old, same old.

     Why do we do this? I think this varies from situation to situation and from person to person. I myself prefer to work under pressure and I feel that I can be more productive during such circumstances. I understand that it shouldn’t be an excuse to put off projects and daily doings for the last minute simply because of that. So I started to look at other possible factors as to why I keep repeating my mistake (one of many). The second reason that I thought of this is because I’ve gotten away with so much over the years. I once had a professor who said she knew when a student was a procrastinator, she assigned a project and expected the best. She gave us a few weeks to complete it, I did it the day before. The best part: I got the best grade in class. The similar story happened over and over all throughout my high school years. When I got to college I figured that I needed to mature and become a serious adult. I did grow up, became more serious about my career but no matter what I remained a procrastinator and it was the same story all over again. So my theory is if you get away with it more than once you will most likely try it again. Thirdly, perhaps its the thrill of the moment. You feel that adrenaline rush, time is defying you and you want to prove everyone wrong. Maybe its the proving part that calls you back over and over again, then again maybe it isn’t.

     Like I said it all depends on the situation, and the person. Everyone goes through different experiences and we don’t all feel the same about the same things. The procrastination example was just something that most of us can relate to (at least to some part of it), but what about everything else? What about all those other mistakes we make on a daily basis? They can be as innocent as forgetting to tie your shoelaces before leaving the house or as serious as forgetting to pick up your sibling at the airport (thankfully my siblings don’t travel much). No matter what mistakes you do think about it for a second, what have you learned from them (if you’ve learned anything)? Do you have reasons why you keep doing them or are they just excuses?

     The best part of it all is that no matter what it is we can do something about it. If we really want to, we can give it a try to change things around. For some of us our repetitive mistakes not only harm us but they harm those around us as well. Perhaps if we all stopped for a second to think about what it is that we are doing and why we might understand what is going on a little better. Just by stopping to think we’re already taking a huge step. Those of us who want to continue will not only have to be thinkers but action takers and makers. We really can’t expect for others to stop us from making mistakes, we have to start learning on our own. 

     I’ll be honest with you I will always be a procrastinator but I became an action taker, I’ve been procrastinator free for more than a week.