To You Modern Cupids

I gotta say it’s very difficult when you hear every day (seriously, everyday) “you have to move on.” Do people really think I don’t know that? Here’s the thing though, unless you have walked everyday in my shoes don’t judge me, don’t tell me what I HAVE to do when YOU think I HAVE to do it. I know I have to move on, but can’t I just be left alone for a while? Why is it that society is so pushy on dating and having people be in relationships? I’ve been set up more times in this past month than I have my whole life. It’s depressing.

Its more depressing when my career is the great catch, “she majored in…” so here’s what I have to ask, since when has dating involved a resume of your career? To me it seems that lately all I hear is that my career can get me great dates and those dates are interested because well this career has potential for “green”. It disgusts me, annoys me, angers me. Ah, if only you knew how great it feels to even write this? I’m letting out my frustrations here just to not punch people in the face whenever I get the, “you have to move on.” followed by a “I know someone who loves nerdy chicks.” Thanks, but no thanks.

Thanks for keeping the love of science alive, but please leave me alone. Please, Universe make people stop thinking they are Cupid unless they are doing that for Halloween in which case they should still leave me alone. Why do people think I need to be with someone to be happy? Quite the contrary, I’m happier alone than in bad or unwanted company and that’s the fact. Let me be, let me thrive and let me live. Alone. I need solitude more than anything at the moment, I want peace, I want quiet, and yet I can’t seem to get it. I even tried hiding in church (yes, that’s how bad its gotten) and even there I couldn’t find silence. Please don’t try to be Cupid, some of us just need to be alone to figure things out. We’ll be fine, life goes on, and we move on, just at our own pace.

Smile, let it be!

Risk, Learn, Live

What a year this has been, and let me tell you it has surprised me that sometimes I wonder if tomorrow I’ll wake up from this roller coaster of a dream. To start, last year proved to be a most amazing year, challenging but filled with love. I took the risk I once swore to never take, and gave love a chance. Long story short I can tell you today I learned so much, but the most important lesson I learned is that love is not all roses and harmony, it can be the most painful feeling you could possibly feel.

Those that know me know how absorbed I was in my career, and I can’t complain I finished strong and I have my ex to thank for that, he was my motivation throughout the end of my college years. So I suppose you can say that love is not such a bad thing even if it ends up in the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I literally was the happiest woman alive, ask anyone who was around me, I glowed brighter than the sun. My mother took to teach me how to do things, I was determined to be the best lady to this man, the best-est friend, because he deserved it all. Everything.

Things don’t always work according to plan and yeah it stings even after this month, it stings badly. It hurts literally everywhere but somehow I manage to get up every morning and go on with my days. I took a risk, I’m still learning and hurting but I know that I must continue to live life. I’m doing the best that I can to smile like nothing has happened and I can’t lie there are days I wish I had never taken that risk at all but I know that life is about taking risks and what I did, I did with love.  There’s no point regretting the past, I gave it my all and it’s what gives me some kind of peace. So here I am with a broken heart doing my best, because one thing I’ve learned is that sometimes life throws you down so you can get a fresh start. A blessing that I still haven’t learned to appreciate.

Smile, take each day at a time.

A Hundred Days of Solitude

Alright maybe I’m exaggerating a bit here, it hasn’t been a hundred days, but sometimes that’s exactly what it feels like. Solitude. What an interesting word meaning “the state or situation of being alone”. I remember when I would do nearly anything just to get away, to be alone for a while. Although I very much appreciate some alone time here and there you reach a point where you realize too much of something is well, too much.

Image by *serhatdemiroglu

Sometimes I do ask to be alone, to have that time of solitude to gather up my thoughts, to be unbiased about my choices. Other times when desperation really kicks in I ask for help, and that’s when you know something is seriously not right. Asking for help is becoming rare for me, I learned to deal with things on my own but sometimes a good talk is just what you need, to let it all out. The other person doesn’t even need to say anything, just listen is all I ask for. Last time I asked for help, no one was willing to help. Interesting. Its in times like that when you realize who’s really the friend they say they are, interestingly how you can filter “friends” out so easily.

I admit it, maybe I was way too emotional to even think a tad logically but that’s precisely when you need someone there to kick some sense into you. Maybe it wasn’t so bad to not have the people I had expected to be there for me, after all its about learning not to expect things right? So perhaps its not so bad, because it shows that I can get back up all on my own, it comes to show you that not everyone is who they say they are, and it shows you to not be dependent. Oh the lessons of life, sometimes they come to you in the worst of times.

Smile, you too can do stuff all on your own. 

No One Said Adapting Was Easy

     I’m glad to say that I am finally slowly going back to my normal life, my old habits, my old customary doings. I knew more than a year ago that the day my love had to leave to commit to his career would come, so from the beginning I knew what I was getting myself into. Technically I shouldn’t complain but this whole new way of life was really nothing what I was expecting. These last few weeks have been very odd, solitary for the most part, just trying to learn to adapt.

No one said adapting to new things was easy, I know. I thought that while my sweetie would be away life would be rather normal, same ol’, same ol’. I was so wrong! It was difficult the first week trying to deal with no communication at all. It was so difficult learning to not expect “Good morning”s and “Good nights” and all the lovely things in between. Long distance relationships are more difficult than I ever thought they would be. Everyone that has been in my shoes tells me things only get better, and they were right.

Although the first weeks were awful to say the least (especially the first week) you learn to be patient, you learn discipline, you learn to be strong. Slowly one can adapt to new ways of life, it just takes time. The good thing is I’m going back to my old habits, I started to go on walks, longer ones too and that has made me feel sooo good! I’m getting back in the kitchen, back to observing my world, back to all things that I found beautiful. This road is not easy, but you learn so much in the process, and you get a whole new experience of a different life. Honestly a life I never thought I’d get to live but thats just how crazy life can be, surprising you with things you least expect.

Smile, no one said adapting was easy but its definitely achievable.