To You Modern Cupids

I gotta say it’s very difficult when you hear every day (seriously, everyday) “you have to move on.” Do people really think I don’t know that? Here’s the thing though, unless you have walked everyday in my shoes don’t judge me, don’t tell me what I HAVE to do when YOU think I HAVE to do it. I know I have to move on, but can’t I just be left alone for a while? Why is it that society is so pushy on dating and having people be in relationships? I’ve been set up more times in this past month than I have my whole life. It’s depressing.

Its more depressing when my career is the great catch, “she majored in…” so here’s what I have to ask, since when has dating involved a resume of your career? To me it seems that lately all I hear is that my career can get me great dates and those dates are interested because well this career has potential for “green”. It disgusts me, annoys me, angers me. Ah, if only you knew how great it feels to even write this? I’m letting out my frustrations here just to not punch people in the face whenever I get the, “you have to move on.” followed by a “I know someone who loves nerdy chicks.” Thanks, but no thanks.

Thanks for keeping the love of science alive, but please leave me alone. Please, Universe make people stop thinking they are Cupid unless they are doing that for Halloween in which case they should still leave me alone. Why do people think I need to be with someone to be happy? Quite the contrary, I’m happier alone than in bad or unwanted company and that’s the fact. Let me be, let me thrive and let me live. Alone. I need solitude more than anything at the moment, I want peace, I want quiet, and yet I can’t seem to get it. I even tried hiding in church (yes, that’s how bad its gotten) and even there I couldn’t find silence. Please don’t try to be Cupid, some of us just need to be alone to figure things out. We’ll be fine, life goes on, and we move on, just at our own pace.

Smile, let it be!

Risk, Learn, Live

What a year this has been, and let me tell you it has surprised me that sometimes I wonder if tomorrow I’ll wake up from this roller coaster of a dream. To start, last year proved to be a most amazing year, challenging but filled with love. I took the risk I once swore to never take, and gave love a chance. Long story short I can tell you today I learned so much, but the most important lesson I learned is that love is not all roses and harmony, it can be the most painful feeling you could possibly feel.

Those that know me know how absorbed I was in my career, and I can’t complain I finished strong and I have my ex to thank for that, he was my motivation throughout the end of my college years. So I suppose you can say that love is not such a bad thing even if it ends up in the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I literally was the happiest woman alive, ask anyone who was around me, I glowed brighter than the sun. My mother took to teach me how to do things, I was determined to be the best lady to this man, the best-est friend, because he deserved it all. Everything.

Things don’t always work according to plan and yeah it stings even after this month, it stings badly. It hurts literally everywhere but somehow I manage to get up every morning and go on with my days. I took a risk, I’m still learning and hurting but I know that I must continue to live life. I’m doing the best that I can to smile like nothing has happened and I can’t lie there are days I wish I had never taken that risk at all but I know that life is about taking risks and what I did, I did with love.  There’s no point regretting the past, I gave it my all and it’s what gives me some kind of peace. So here I am with a broken heart doing my best, because one thing I’ve learned is that sometimes life throws you down so you can get a fresh start. A blessing that I still haven’t learned to appreciate.

Smile, take each day at a time.

Sugar Coated World

I remember that when I was little and there were so many things that I didn’t understood so I made up my own explanations, my own reasons to why things happened the way they did. I never understood why some people were the way they were, or why they would treat me they way they did. Over the years I made countless excuses for them not realizing that I was setting myself to a state of denial instead of looking at things for what they really were.

Bottom line is we won’t please everyone we meet. Unfortunately, that also includes family, people that we unconditionally love, people that won’t feel the same way about us. When we’re little our eyes see the world with a lens of innocence, time goes by so slow, we feel free, and careless. As we grow older we begin to see things by how they really are, and we realize that there’s so much more out there than we ever imagined. As children, some of us are lucky enough to have not experienced discrimination of any kind, our world was sugar coated.

What about the kids who are not as privileged? Children that have been: raped, molested, discriminated, abused, mistreated, and stayed in silence. A friend of mine told me I was privileged for knowing what it meant to love without fear. She was raped when she was ten years old by a family member. Another friend told me how he is always weary of visiting friends because when he was little he was discriminated by his friend’s parents for being African-American. Similar stories went on and on, and as I listened to every one of those stories I thought: how come I never heard any of this when I was little? These people are my friends, my peers. The people I see everyday with a smile on their face, and I was so angry and I felt so impotent.

“New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries”, and that’s when innocence is gone. Is it better to live in a state of innocence where the world is sugar coated? Or in a world where you see things for what they really are? I prefer to notice the stripes, and the dirt on my fries, sure there are things I miss of those “good ol’ days” but I wouldn’t want to go back.

Some people will smile while hurting inside, while the world remains unaware. Believe it or not, some people are very unaware of what is going on around them, let alone in the world. There are many vile people in this world, but don’t forget that there’s also good hearted people out there willing to lend a helping hand.

Smile, we are the hope of tomorrow.

Fear

I’m scared.

I woke up in the middle of the night crying. My dreams have mostly been cruel, and last night’s was no exception. I remember when I had recurring nightmares, over time they became a normal experience . The few pleasant dreams I had I guarded, I cherished even though they were nothing but cruel and taunted my emotions. I think I have come to a point where I have reached a critical point in my self healing and growth and that scares me.

I feel the darkness over my world, I have once again crossed to the dark side, or perhaps I never left it at all. I have so many personal fears I have to face, problems I have to solve, decisions to make. My dreams are merely a mirror of my reality, my hopes, my fears.

Last night I was dreaming that I told him to hold me tight, and very close to him. I felt the warmth of his hands on mine, his tender kisses on top of my head, I felt his chest against my back rising and falling. I could hear his heart beating, I felt safe. “Don’t let me go.”

“The nuns taught us there were two ways through life – the way of nature and the way of grace.  You have to choose which one you’ll follow.” – The Tree of Life (2011)

I’m scared of the unkowns that will come tomorrow.

P.S. Keep smiling.