The Beginning of the End

   I’m very excited to say 2011 was by far the best year in personal growth I’ve had in my whole life. I not only learned so much about myself, but I found the courage to take many risks, I never felt more alive. Now that 2011 is gone there is a lot of things to take care of in this new year.

First, I’m more than excited to announce that next weekend marks the beginning of the end of a major chapter in my life: my life as an undergraduate student. Graduation is just around the corner, this June to be precise and I have many major decisions to make in the following weeks. I feel that this upcoming weekend will bring me closure and help me with the decisions I am about to make. This is the first year I start knowing absolutely nothing of what will happen, practically no plans made!

I guess you can say I am winging the first half of this year and see where I end up in the next couple of months. I am no longer scared of what may come next, if I stay to pursue graduate studies or if I end up living alone in a foreign country, I will welcome any change that comes my way. This last year I learned that if I don’t take risks I’ll never know where I can get to in life.

“If you want to do something big in your life, you must remember that shyness is only the mind, If you think shy, you act shy. If you think confident you act confident. Therefore never let shyness conquer your mind.”

–Arfa Karim Randhawa (R.I.P.)

May this year be greater than last, may we all learn from our past. Here’s to the future, here’s to the start of a new era.

Smile, the future is ahead of us.

Fear

I’m scared.

I woke up in the middle of the night crying. My dreams have mostly been cruel, and last night’s was no exception. I remember when I had recurring nightmares, over time they became a normal experience . The few pleasant dreams I had I guarded, I cherished even though they were nothing but cruel and taunted my emotions. I think I have come to a point where I have reached a critical point in my self healing and growth and that scares me.

I feel the darkness over my world, I have once again crossed to the dark side, or perhaps I never left it at all. I have so many personal fears I have to face, problems I have to solve, decisions to make. My dreams are merely a mirror of my reality, my hopes, my fears.

Last night I was dreaming that I told him to hold me tight, and very close to him. I felt the warmth of his hands on mine, his tender kisses on top of my head, I felt his chest against my back rising and falling. I could hear his heart beating, I felt safe. “Don’t let me go.”

“The nuns taught us there were two ways through life – the way of nature and the way of grace.  You have to choose which one you’ll follow.” – The Tree of Life (2011)

I’m scared of the unkowns that will come tomorrow.

P.S. Keep smiling.