Fear

I’m scared.

I woke up in the middle of the night crying. My dreams have mostly been cruel, and last night’s was no exception. I remember when I had recurring nightmares, over time they became a normal experience . The few pleasant dreams I had I guarded, I cherished even though they were nothing but cruel and taunted my emotions. I think I have come to a point where I have reached a critical point in my self healing and growth and that scares me.

I feel the darkness over my world, I have once again crossed to the dark side, or perhaps I never left it at all. I have so many personal fears I have to face, problems I have to solve, decisions to make. My dreams are merely a mirror of my reality, my hopes, my fears.

Last night I was dreaming that I told him to hold me tight, and very close to him. I felt the warmth of his hands on mine, his tender kisses on top of my head, I felt his chest against my back rising and falling. I could hear his heart beating, I felt safe. “Don’t let me go.”

“The nuns taught us there were two ways through life – the way of nature and the way of grace.  You have to choose which one you’ll follow.” – The Tree of Life (2011)

I’m scared of the unkowns that will come tomorrow.

P.S. Keep smiling.

Changes Are Coming

I was recently talking to my mom of how I was when I was little. Ever since I can remember I’ve had the same stubborn personality I still have today. Always wanting to do things my way, on my own. I learned to walk by the time I was 8 months, and started speaking within a month later. By the time I was a year old I was talking like a parrot and already running the house my way. My siblings couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to me first because I HAD to wish them a safe trip to school, I liked to walk by myself without holding hands with anyone. A few months later I knew my alphabet, and my numbers to 100, I would cut straight lines, I was pretty much ready for Kinder status. All thanks to my wonderful siblings who spent hours and hours teaching what I needed to know. By the time I started school I was more than eager to learn new things, I was excited and ready to learn and the same is still true today.

What really got to me was what my mom told me an old lady told her once, that her little girl was going to go far in life, I had the spirit of a natural leader. Mom went on to tell me to do whatever I had to do to find happiness, even if that meant going far from home. That’s been on my mind lately, and quite honestly I’m ready to leave wherever I am wanted even if that means the other side of the world. Although its been an idea I’ve kept with very, very few people somehow its starting to get around in the family, my older sister came to tell me to stay. Not like I’ll be missed right? Something in the way she told me to stay made me very sad, it was painful.

Image by *thefantasim

Its been an internal conflict of mine, to stay or to go in search of my very own adventure. I’m very torn between these two choices. For one, if I stay I’ll be home with the people I love, I’ll see my nieces and nephews grow, I’ll be ready whenever my love comes back home, communication with him will be easier. However if I stay, I won’t get much done. If I leave I’ll have the opportunity to actually go somewhere, be someone, isn’t that why I spent sleepless nights? To have a solid career? Haven’t I always wanted to have my very own BIG adventure?

I can’t have both, and I know that if I leave chances are I’ll come back to a very different home, a different everything. If I leave I’ll be completely on my own, no place to run to, no one to run and hug, no one to wish goodnight or good morning, and chances are if something happens at home I won’t even be able to come back right away. I’m trying to find signs, anything really that tells me to stay or leave. I ‘m running out of time to decide, and I purposely keep pushing it back everyday because this is a decision that will change my life in a zillion different ways.

Smile, either way changes are coming.

I Don’t Know What I Want To Do With My Life – This Is My Truth

I have quite a few friends of mine that are graduating from college this quarter. They are ready to enter the real world and I have no doubt in my mind that they will be successful and achieve many things in life. (Congrats kiddos!) Recently I went to see my advisor who I must see every quarter and he said “You can graduate this year! Better start applying for graduation!” I think that was the most enthusiastic I’ve seen him in all my time in school. Awesome, I could do that 4-year thing many people want to achieve. Then he asked me what I was planning to do after graduation, to get him off my case I said I want to do such and such BUT I don’t want to graduate right now. Now he looked at me like I was insane, which lately most people think I am. So why on earth am I not taking this opportunity to graduate after 4 years of school, with a good GPA? Because honestly, I have no clue as to what I want to do with my life, and that is my truth.

I hear a lot of stories that the school wants to push us to graduate as soon as possible, yeah well that’s lovely but does it matter? I mean I’m paying my tuition so whats the big deal, I’m putting my money, this is my investment and if I want to stay a year longer I will stay and that’s pretty much the end of that story. Everyone feels like I’m crazy mostly because they all thought that I had my life planned out, to be honest yeah I did have my life planned out. However, things rarely go according to plan and I recently realized that I’m fine with that. A lot of people feel that they will look insecure (I know this personally) if they admit that they have no idea where they want their life to go. Truth is it is scary but you know what, the longer you live in denial the more stuck you’re going to be. So there you go, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I’m OK with that. I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up in a field that is completely different from where I am now, all I want is to be happy doing whatever it is that I may end up doing. I’m not going to rush my life anymore, I’m going to seize the day, live day by day, enjoy life while I can. What good is it if I just rush my life and end up stuck somewhere I cant get out of? With that said, I shall get back to seizing my day for today =)

Smile, seize the day!