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What a year this has been, and let me tell you it has surprised me that sometimes I wonder if tomorrow I’ll wake up from this roller coaster of a dream. To start, last year proved to be a most amazing year, challenging but filled with love. I took the risk I once swore to never take, and gave love a chance. Long story short I can tell you today I learned so much, but the most important lesson I learned is that love is not all roses and harmony, it can be the most painful feeling you could possibly feel.
Those that know me know how absorbed I was in my career, and I can’t complain I finished strong and I have my ex to thank for that, he was my motivation throughout the end of my college years. So I suppose you can say that love is not such a bad thing even if it ends up in the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I literally was the happiest woman alive, ask anyone who was around me, I glowed brighter than the sun. My mother took to teach me how to do things, I was determined to be the best lady to this man, the best-est friend, because he deserved it all. Everything.
Things don’t always work according to plan and yeah it stings even after this month, it stings badly. It hurts literally everywhere but somehow I manage to get up every morning and go on with my days. I took a risk, I’m still learning and hurting but I know that I must continue to live life. I’m doing the best that I can to smile like nothing has happened and I can’t lie there are days I wish I had never taken that risk at all but I know that life is about taking risks and what I did, I did with love. There’s no point regretting the past, I gave it my all and it’s what gives me some kind of peace. So here I am with a broken heart doing my best, because one thing I’ve learned is that sometimes life throws you down so you can get a fresh start. A blessing that I still haven’t learned to appreciate.
Smile, take each day at a time.
I don’t believe that we are destined for something, that our lives have been planned out way before we were even created. I like to believe that we all have free will, but every now and then something happens that makes me question my beliefs or lack there of on fate. Is it possible that we were destined to be with someone? Took me nearly a decade to go on a date with my childhood friend. After all those years being friends I’m still learning so much about this incredible man. Born hundreds of miles apart, we found each other.
I still remember a few years back he asked me for a kiss, but I said no because in my rule book kissing a friend was a no-no. Looking back I can’t believe I didn’t appreciate the gesture of him asking me for a kiss, that was a very gentleman-like thing to do. While I still feel bad for turning him down those few years ago, I feel like it was meant to happen. Weird, yes. Back then my heart was elsewhere, my head was in a state of confusion and I was aching over ghosts of the past. I had to practically go through my own hell to learn to value and appreciate the important things in life again.
Sometimes I feel like those years in between prepared me for a lot of things. I don’t know if it was destiny that crossed our paths so many times at very important points in our lives. I still remember him asking me to hang out and for a kiss, but my stubbornness and rules got in the way despite of how I felt. It wasn’t until I realized that in life we must take risks and then it reminded me of that quote from ‘When Harry Met Sally’, “…because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” Destiny or not, I am a very lucky woman who loves and is loved by a truly wonderful man.
Smile, because life is filled with beautiful surprises.
Seems like nightmares are slowly creeping back into my life. This last one was by far one of the most disturbing ones I’ve had in a while, I woke up with my heart beating so fast, I woke up wondering. The thing about most of my dreams, especially nightmares is that they always seem so real. This morning I was dreaming that I was murdered, how disturbing is that? I remember in my dream closing my eyes and thinking “This is it…” it was like an epiphany within a dream, I smiled and I waited. I smiled because I felt like my time had come, I felt like I had lived a fulfilled life up to that point, I was happy with what I had done. Then I felt (yeah that’s how realistic my dreams are) the bullet piecing my skin, the warmth of the blood pouring out, I opened my eyes. I could feel the life dripping out of me, I applied pressure to my neck, I wanted to scream for help but I knew, I knew it was too late. All I thought of was to write a message on a piece of paper I saw on my desk, I wrote “tell S. I love him” and I began to cry. I cried not because I knew I was dying but because I knew I wasn’t going to see him again. I could feel my hands grow weaker because I couldn’t apply pressure to my neck anymore, I could see my blood forming a little puddle on the floor while tears kept pouring out of my eyes. My brother rushed in my room, I assume because he heard the shot, I smiled in between tears, it was more of a goodbye because after that I fell in my own blood and everything went dark.
Sounds very dramatic doesn’t it? It felt disturbingly real. I stayed in bed a while later thinking about what had happened. I feel happy with what I’ve done so far with my life. I mean, I have so many goals and dreams but if my nightmare was to come true, yeah I would feel at peace in that aspect. What I couldn’t deal with is knowing I wouldn’t see my love again, or say goodbye to him one last time and I started to cry. I miss him. You know what it felt like? Like I was somehow in my own twisted version of Vanilla Sky (which is why I’m also sharing Sigur Ros) and my nightmare was gone when I opened my eyes.
Smile, “Abre los ojos”
There’s these tables in the middle of a school. Its a middle school, to me its the best middle school in the world. By those tables are these big and tall trees that give the nicest shade on hot days. Its on those tables that I used to sit down when I was a little kid to talk to my sweetie about books, and the nerdy things we liked.
Back in the day we were just friends, he was a very shy boy, he was new to the school for that year. He was mysterious in a very captivating way. His brown eyes, his black hair, that thoughtful look that he still does when he’s thinking about things. Looking back I was (still am) a very nerdy girl, quite the weirdo if you ask me. I started to talk to him because we found out we had some books in common, and well mostly I just liked to bug him. At one point I had a crush on him but only to find out that all the other girls had a crush on him too. Being his friend is all I wanted, all that really mattered to me, we remained friends for years after that.
He captivated me from day one, always made me think with his questions and observations about life. During lunch we would sit under those big and tall shade giving trees, on those blue tables predicting what was to happen in our favorite book series. Here we are nearly a decade later, with many miles apart and very close at heart.
Whenever I pass by that school and look at those tables, those trees I get this bittersweet feeling of nostalgia. Remembering how it all began all those years ago, seeing how much we’ve done in the in between time, and where we are now. I’m not going to lie, going back always gets me teary eyed (in a happy way) whenever I think of the good times I had under those trees. It never hit me that that shy and mysterious boy I met all those years ago would end up being the man I want to keep growing old with.
Smile, any little moment can be THE moment that changes your life forever.
Awarded 8/4/11 by 
Daily Life Notes 