Fear

I’m scared.

I woke up in the middle of the night crying. My dreams have mostly been cruel, and last night’s was no exception. I remember when I had recurring nightmares, over time they became a normal experience . The few pleasant dreams I had I guarded, I cherished even though they were nothing but cruel and taunted my emotions. I think I have come to a point where I have reached a critical point in my self healing and growth and that scares me.

I feel the darkness over my world, I have once again crossed to the dark side, or perhaps I never left it at all. I have so many personal fears I have to face, problems I have to solve, decisions to make. My dreams are merely a mirror of my reality, my hopes, my fears.

Last night I was dreaming that I told him to hold me tight, and very close to him. I felt the warmth of his hands on mine, his tender kisses on top of my head, I felt his chest against my back rising and falling. I could hear his heart beating, I felt safe. “Don’t let me go.”

“The nuns taught us there were two ways through life – the way of nature and the way of grace.  You have to choose which one you’ll follow.” – The Tree of Life (2011)

I’m scared of the unkowns that will come tomorrow.

P.S. Keep smiling.

“Open Your Eyes”

Seems like nightmares are slowly creeping back into my life. This last one was by far one of the most disturbing ones I’ve had in a while, I woke up with my heart beating so fast, I woke up wondering. The thing about most of my dreams, especially nightmares is that they always seem so real. This morning I was dreaming that I was murdered, how disturbing is that? I remember in my dream closing my eyes and thinking “This is it…” it was like an epiphany within a dream, I smiled and I waited. I smiled because I felt like my time had come, I felt like I had lived a fulfilled life up to that point, I was happy with what I had done. Then I felt (yeah that’s how realistic my dreams are) the bullet piecing my skin, the warmth of the blood pouring out, I opened my eyes. I could feel the life dripping out of me, I applied pressure to my neck, I wanted to scream for help but I knew, I knew it was too late. All I thought of was to write a message on a piece of paper I saw on my desk, I wrote “tell S. I love him” and I began to cry. I cried not because I knew I was dying but because I knew I wasn’t going to see him again. I could feel my hands grow weaker because I couldn’t apply pressure to my neck anymore, I could see my blood forming a little puddle on the floor while tears kept pouring out of my eyes. My brother rushed in my room, I assume because he heard the shot, I smiled in between tears, it was more of a goodbye because after that I fell in my own blood and everything went dark.

    Sounds very dramatic doesn’t it? It felt disturbingly real. I stayed in bed a while later thinking about what had happened. I feel happy with what I’ve done so far with my life. I mean, I have so many goals and dreams but if my nightmare was to come true, yeah I would feel at peace in that aspect. What I couldn’t deal with is knowing I wouldn’t see my love again, or say goodbye to him one last time and I started to cry. I miss him. You know what it felt like? Like I was somehow in my own twisted version of Vanilla Sky (which is why I’m also sharing Sigur Ros) and my nightmare was gone when I opened my eyes.

Smile, “Abre los ojos”

Nightmares

I wrote about Dreams in a previous post a few days ago, today’s post will be about nightmares. Now I know I mentioned in the previous post that dreams were somewhat rare for me, nightmares are not rare for me at all. You may attribute this to whatever it is that you want but honestly I really don’t know why I have them almost on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder if this is genetic as there have not been any big traumatic event in my life to make me a depressed person. Now the reason why I wonder if nightmares may be genetic is because I know I’m not the only one in my family that has them often. I found about this recently and I thought it was a very interesting thing.

The Nightmare by Fuseli

I started to have recurring nightmares during a Summer a few years back, it started suddenly. Before that I wasn’t much of a nightmare person and when my nightmares started I was scared. I was scared for a couple of weeks until I learned that they were only nightmares and nothing more. Over the years my nightmares became my inspiration for many, many things. I learned to face a lot of my fears I didn’t think I could face before.

Some of my nightmares are really bad, some are just plain weird. My nightmares gave me many ideas for my novel, and thanks to them the ideas I have for my novel seem perfect as of now. I plan to incorporate many of the nightmares I’ve had in my story, it only seems fitting. While many frown upon the idea of dreaming of nightmares on a daily basis I have discovered that in them lie creativity and discovery. I guess you can say that I like to see the bright side in it all, but nightmares do have a positive outlook. I can’t say that I love nightmares but many times I wake up amazed at the worlds my mind creates, and the complexity of it all.

Smile, there’s always a bright side to something dark.