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Alright maybe I’m exaggerating a bit here, it hasn’t been a hundred days, but sometimes that’s exactly what it feels like. Solitude. What an interesting word meaning “the state or situation of being alone”. I remember when I would do nearly anything just to get away, to be alone for a while. Although I very much appreciate some alone time here and there you reach a point where you realize too much of something is well, too much.
Sometimes I do ask to be alone, to have that time of solitude to gather up my thoughts, to be unbiased about my choices. Other times when desperation really kicks in I ask for help, and that’s when you know something is seriously not right. Asking for help is becoming rare for me, I learned to deal with things on my own but sometimes a good talk is just what you need, to let it all out. The other person doesn’t even need to say anything, just listen is all I ask for. Last time I asked for help, no one was willing to help. Interesting. Its in times like that when you realize who’s really the friend they say they are, interestingly how you can filter “friends” out so easily.
I admit it, maybe I was way too emotional to even think a tad logically but that’s precisely when you need someone there to kick some sense into you. Maybe it wasn’t so bad to not have the people I had expected to be there for me, after all its about learning not to expect things right? So perhaps its not so bad, because it shows that I can get back up all on my own, it comes to show you that not everyone is who they say they are, and it shows you to not be dependent. Oh the lessons of life, sometimes they come to you in the worst of times.
Smile, you too can do stuff all on your own.
A friend once asked me, “How do you know you’re in love?”. I tried my best to answer with one sentence and I came to realize, you can’t really explain it. Its that ineffable feeling you get, and you know when you’re in love with someone. Its a mixture of all things in one, and before you know it your world changes. Like a snow glove your little world is shaken and everything begins to move, to fall, to float, to glitter, to… well to change. I’ve been in love before, I used to think that the moment I fell in love would be the one and only time but life had other plans for me. After years of thinking, and trying to move on I realized that it was possible to love again. You know how they say that sometimes you fall for the person you least expect? Well it happened to me, I ended up falling in love with an old friend of mine, the same guy who showed me that it was possible to love, to trust, to take risks again. This magnificent man, extraordinary in every way who I’ve known since middle school was in front of me all along and it took me nearly a decade to see him in a way that wasn’t a brotherly kind of way.
What I came to realize was how my world changed, especially now. I realized I cant stop thinking of him. Everything has a connection to him. Thoughts of him make me smile like a lunatic. I became more sensitive, emotional. I’m not talking about crying my eyes out, but I realized I couldn’t watch scary or gory movies anymore without that feeling afterwards. Before I would watch them like it was no big deal, scary movies? Bring it. Yucky, limb chopping film? Bring it, I’ll eat some food along with it. Now, I can’t even seem to watch a silly scary movie without covering my eyes every now and then. I became interested in more things, and that lead me to learn new things. I started to feel a greater motivation to do things. I became aware that I wanted to share more moments with someone. In a way my sense of care and awareness towards human emotions and needs grew tremendously. I began to see people in a more personal way rather than a generic kind of way. In many ways than I expected, it was a complete opposite me that began to change in the last year.
If truth be told, this is who I was under that tough facade I created to protect me from harm. Remember my relationship phobia? I was scared of getting my feelings hurt, I was scared to care, to share, to be emotional. But I came to realize that its ok to feel that way but its also ok to take risks. Only then can one live life to the fullest, only like that can one grow and mature. Through mistakes, experience, we grow. In life, we can’t grow out of books, out of pure advice, and avoidance. Life is about risks, practice, try after try, its about LIVING.
The side effects of love can be overwhelming at times, silly too. But I’d take a risk for it again, because the experience you gain from it is like no other. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow or in the future, I don’t know if I will take that risk again or if I’ll stay in my current one. What I do know now is that whenever I think of my “co-pilot” I smile, because he makes very happy and you know me I love to smile!
When was the last time you had a pleasant dream? Dreams are somewhat rare for me. I’m talking about dreams that give you a feeling of comfort and happiness. Dreams that sometimes seem unreal but make you smile, dreams that make you think and wonder when you wake up.
In the past I’ve had several great dreams. Some of these have been very random, vivid, and real-like. There were times that it felt so real that I questioned my reality when I woke up. What I like about dreams is that sometimes I know I’m dreaming while dreaming. I’ve had dreams of places that were beyond amazing, beautiful and intriguing to say the very least. Many of these have inspired me to write, to think and even to draw.
I have seen worlds and faces. I have experienced emotions that I did not think were possible to feel so real in a dream. I love to dream about worlds that don’t exist, people I’ve never met, and going in adventures within my own dreams. Perhaps its my mind telling me what I want. I know there are people who interpret dreams, maybe all dreams do have meanings. If they do or they don’t, I’m not sure. All I know is that dreaming is a wonderful thing. Who knows maybe one day I’ll share a dream or two here.
Smile, some dreams can be a good thing.