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     Today I decided to write about something that always without fail makes me feel better no matter what, a smile. I don’t know if this has happened to you but I’ve had days when I wish I could just fall off the face of the earth and then out of no where someone a total stranger smiles at you and you feel like the luckiest person on earth. Has this happened to you?
     It’s happened to me before a couple of times, in times when things just didn’t seem right at all. I remember one special case I was going through a loss of a close friend, and I was very close to lose someone who was very, very dear to me. My life was a complete mess, my grades slipped, I paid no attention to anything, I’m sure you know how that goes. One morning while I was thinking of all the horrible things that had been going on someone on the shuttle smiled at me and I smiled back. We started a small conversation the usual “good morning, etc. etc.”. One smile changed my life. When I think back I wonder what my life would’ve been if that person hadn’t smiled at me that morning, but you know it doesn’t matter because they did. I never saw them again but without them knowing they changed my life.

     Children. This is something that I had to add to this post. I can’t stop thinking of all the times a child has made me smile. Children are amazing, and full of energy (I should know I have three little siblings) and they never fail to make me smile. Have you heard a child’s laughter? I know this might sound corny and whatnot but its just beautiful and contagious. Sometimes when I’m studying and my monsters are running around and playing around the house, I admit I get annoyed by the noise but once I go outside my room and hear them laughing I cant help but to smile, sometimes I even join the chaos. Or waking up to see your little sister smiling at you waiting for you to wake up, it’s a beautiful sight, children never fail to make one smile.

     I’m sure many of you have had similar encounters, perhaps you haven’t taken the time to think about it, of how something so small as a smile can change everything. I was talking to one of my friends about this and they seemed to agree. Suddenly she remembered a few occasions when someone had smiled at her and that had changed her whole day, her life. We take these little things for granted sometimes. We go day by day with our own busy lives yet we don’t take some time to think about how others have changed our lives or even how we have changed someone’s life too. A smile is very powerful, by smiling you can even change your own way of thinking!

       This is the reason why I encourage people to smile, who knows you may make the biggest difference in someone’s life.

Smile, make a difference.

-Casper

 

 

      I was listening to a song by Nick Drake, “One Of These Things First”. The melody of the song itself made me smile and it reminded me of back in my days when I was a little kid.

I wanted to be an explorer.

     One of the earliest things that I can remember was that I wanted to be an explorer. My parents at that time were still adding sections to our house, and there was a lot of construction materials around. I remember there was a small mountain of sand, and many bricks in the back yard. I remember that as soon as my siblings were off to school I would ask my mom for a snack, place it in a little bag and head off to a new adventure atop of that sand mountain. I would run to the top and look around at my mother’s garden that I always thought of as a jungle. I would slide down the sand mountain and run through my jungle. I would hide in the laundry room where the machines were my connection to my allies. I was an explorer, or so I thought. I wanted to be an explorer so much that one day I ran away from home, I was three. My mother said she found me a few blocks away from home, and of course I was punished but she said that she always knew I had an adventurous side in me ever since I learned how to walk.

I wanted to be a chef.

     I used to watch my mom cook delicious meals everyday for my family. I always wanted to learn something, I remember that I would push a chair near the kitchen counter, stand on top just to see what my mom was doing in hopes that one day she would let me cook with her. As a matter of fact she did one day after I insisted so much and we made Jell-o, it was simple and easy for me at the time. I remember my mom cutting it into different shapes too just for me, I felt like the luckiest kid on earth. One day I would say, I will cook like my mom, hey maybe I could be a chef.

I wanted to be a teacher.

     My dad gave me my first chalk board, I was supposed to practice my letters but instead I pretended to be a teacher to my dolls and teach them the letters. I would even teach my friends when they came over, I would give them my crayons and we’d color. I wanted to be a teacher because they had paint, and candy, and coloring books, stickers too!

I wanted to be an astronomer.

     I saw the milky way for the first time in the desert when I went on a trip with my brother to Arizona. I remember we stopped on the side of the highway just so that I could see, it was beautiful, the sky was full of stars, little ones and big ones, bright ones and brighter ones too. That year I asked for a telescope for Christmas. My family thought I was insane, to prove them wrong I tried harder in my math class. Christmas day came and under that tree a huge box awaited for me with my name, it was the telescope I had asked for. I saw the craters of the moon, Jupiter and its moons. I saw a nebula and many stars too.

 

“ I could have been
One of these things first
I could have been
One of these things first. “

     I can’t help but to smile when I think back at all the things I wanted to be. There is one thing that I’ll stop wanting to be, and that is an explorer. Whether its exploring a new street to get home or maybe one day exploring the Amazon, I’ll always be an explorer at heart. What did you want to be?

Smile, because life is beautiful.
 -Casper

 

 

 

 

     One thing is falling and getting back up with your friends by your side. Another thing is to fall, fall with your friends and slowly getting up and growing apart. What hurts the most is being the reason of all things falling apart, and seeing everything around you fall, fall into the infinite abyss.

     Its absurd to think that after being the reason you’d be remembered for the good memories, the smiles and the times under the big tree. Its absurd I know, but I always thought of a possibility that maybe one day together we’d fix all the pieces. I always knew things would never be the same but perhaps if we worked together, perhaps if we saw each other and how much we’ve grown and changed we’d work things out.
    It was just a thought, it was what I wanted, but I was left wanting it all. I failed my friends, I failed myself and for what? For emptiness?  I left the circle thinking things for those in it would be best, I was soon forgotten and soon thereafter things started to fall apart inside. We deceived one another, with false promises and hopes, the funny thing is we knew it was all a joke but we somehow decided to make it our reality. We fell together, we fell hard. With one I broke all ties for the best, something I don’t regret. With the other one things just happened.

     Little did know what happened while I was gone, its all clear now I was always meant to be on the outside I was never meant to go in there to begin with, they were but not me. Maybe it is karma, it gets you when you least expect it, or maybe it was just one of those things that needed to happen for me to understand questions that I‘ve asked for so long. I made mistakes, I fell for what was never mine to begin with and I made two people grow apart but just going away from one. We fell together and we’ve been getting up on our own and moving farther away with time.

       I learned that what I wanted, is not something that I should want because truthfully and most painfully it will never be mine. I’ve gone from first person to some person in the background to them, I am non existent and it hurts so much because I’ve waited so long to  help you understand, to show you that fear is not the path to take. Maybe I’m too late, or rather I was never there and Ill never be there now.

     People wont always understand what you feel, and its better  not to expect them too. Sometimes we hide our feelings to protect what we have from the outside world. Sometimes those feelings are so pure and genuine that when you take a look at the real world and see how it really works you’re afraid that you’ll end up like the rest. So you tuck away what you have and hide it from the rest, its precious after all. What you never know is that hiding it is worse than showing it out to the world, when you hide it its too much to bear, its painful inside. At least when you show it you can share it with the rest.

     I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, its been hurting for too long but its something you could care less about. Because you only miss one, and that someone is not me. Perhaps ill live in silence the rest of the way, and hopefully what I have inside will one day escape, the malice of the world will never get to it because it was always pure and genuine. Its extremely difficult to understand things you wish you never knew about and although sometimes it hurts so much I’m glad I knew what it was than to be skeptical and think its something that does not exist.

“Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.”

Smile, because life goes on.

-Casper

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