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I feel like I’ve lost so many people this year. Both physically and relationship wise. I feel as if death has been roaming my personal universe. All the events of this year have made me think so much, have made me think that life is so short, we are all in transition at all times. Transition from one place to another, constant change.

My grandpa passed away the last day of September, my cousin and her unborn baby passed away during the Summer, my morning friend and cross guard passed away two weeks ago, my dog was put to sleep in late Spring. My nightmares are filled with the subject of death. I’ve dreamed of my dog many times, every time I see a dog that looks like him in the street I feel sad. I had a dream of my grandpa, and that scared me. I haven’t been so scared of nightmares in a while.

This is it isn’t it? We leave, sometimes unexpectedly. We close our eyes and dream of things, imagine the things we wish for. We open our eyes and see our reality, its all changed. A constant battle between chaos and order, perhaps its not even a battle at all perhaps is just the ordinary “shake up” of our reality. This is it, every moment is the last of its own kind. Every moment is unique, it is a memory in time and space never to be relieved again with exactness. There are so many variables to be re created: feelings, expressions, thoughts, movements, sights, smells, etc. and such is why memories are unique.

We are in transition right now, this very moment. Moving through space, floating through time we are moving to something new. It may be the last transition, it may be the first of many, it may be another in the list to come. We never know which transition will the the last. This is it, this is the time to make it count, the time to do something. To live, to breathe because we were given the gift to do so, so why not?

 

Smile, LIVE.

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Taking that last breath

Photograph by Jason Hill

Everything stops
Everything grows cold
The presence of death
Among us all.

What is it like, on the other side?
Is there such things
As a narrow path,
Or a guiding light?
Is it true, or is it all lies?

You’re now on the other side.

You’re here and there
Defying the Laws,
Defying the hopes,
Defying the prayers,
Of crying souls.

Tears run down many faces,
Water drops fall as nature cries.
Everything stops.
Everything grows cold.
The presence of death is
Among us all.

I chose my career again over that wonderful feeling in your tummy that comes when you eat imaginary butterflies. Why? Because I’m stupid, you might say. At times I feel like I’m playing a game similar to Deal or No Deal with the Universe. What do I mean by this? I mean that there are many times that I complain out loud “Why did this happen to me?” sound familiar? Yeah, we all do it at one point or another. Why is it that the Universe likes to play games with us, why is it that the Universe likes us to trip on this rock we call Earth? Why, why, WHY?

Image from Simply Butterflies

Are we ever really going to get the answers to all those “Why”s? Maybe not. But that doesn’t stop us from asking them out loud especially when we feel like we are at the edge of our sanity. So back to my Deal or No Deal ordeal. I feel like there are times that the Universe offers me some great things and I decline them, I let them go. Perhaps because I think that something better will come along, perhaps because I feel like I am not ready for something great, perhaps because I feel like my current responsibilities have a greater weight. It could be that or many other reasons, which don’t matter at the moment.

What matters is that I let it pass by, that possibility of that warm feeling many people look for. That feeling that makes you happy and make you smile like some lunatic on drugs. I take risks, but for some reason this risk of Imaginary Butterflies is a risk I can’t get myself to take again. Is not so much as selfishness as it is of being scared, I’m scared of those butterflies. No regrets will be taken, because life has to continue, it waits for no one. Tomorrow will be another day, and many tomorrow will be the day I won’t be scared of those imaginary butterflies anymore.

Smile, because the Universe has many things to offer.

In my most upfront confession I confess, I have almost no motivation for this years Thanksgiving. I just don’t, not anymore at least. A few days ago, I was planning the menu the minor details to make this year’s Thanksgiving a wonderful feast. It was arranged that we would be having some extra people coming over, and that was great the more the merrier. But I started to think, I can’t do this. I was going to cook the whole dinner on my own, I planned it all to the minute it was going to be perfect.

What happened? I’m not sure actually. I guess I just woke up and it hit me, whats the point? My family couldn’t be more in pieces than a crushed candy cane. My older sister wants to have to do almost nothing with us, and our talks get more limited with every call. My brother doesn’t want to come over much. My older brother has too much on his mind to care about anything that he even signed up to work. My sister, she changes her loyalties whenever she finds it most convenient. My mother wants to have absolutely nothing to do with Thanksgiving, end of story. My father, hasn’t found his place in our family. My sister in law, I guess I can thank her on Thanksgiving for crushing my family with everything she could. My nieces and nephews unaware of the problems around them just want to have school days off, the only beings on this planet that make me smile when times are rough.

As for my sister in law, I know I shouldn’t point fingers but quite frankly I’m tired of it all. I can’t walk around pretending nothing has happened, I can’t smile at her pretending she didn’t split my family up. I just can’t. I tried but whats the use of hypocrisy? For respect of my family my encounters with her are civil, but that doesn’t change how I feel.

Do I have to be the bigger person? Take the high road? Is this dinner even going to be worth it? I wanted my family to feel together, to be together, with every minute I am finding harder and harder to find that a possibility. We can’t get everything we wish for, I know that. I do owe my nieces and nephews a holiday filled with warmth and care, and at this point that is all that keeps me going. They always keep me going no matter what.

So this Thanksgiving you can bet that my thanks will be for them, those kids that make me smile even when skies are gray.

Smile, we all have that one person(s) that makes us smile when our skies are gray.

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